I think my fart just growled at me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
