tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
