Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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