not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
