My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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