I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
