It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
operation have a gay friend backfired
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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