My first STD was from a foam party
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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