Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
