Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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