The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
