and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
