he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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