my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
