evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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