...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
