I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
