I'm gonna have a badass scar
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
