I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
