I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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