Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
