I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize