Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
