If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
