I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
