So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
