SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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