I wish they made helmets for livers.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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