just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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