yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It's just like the Real World with babies
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
