guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
