That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
