Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
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You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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