I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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