Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
we should paint friendship bongs
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
