I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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