i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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