Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.