$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
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Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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