Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
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why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
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I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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