my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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