Pants 0. Shit 1.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
whose ass print is on the piano?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
