You're my little dorito
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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