Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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