Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
