Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.