I smell stomach acid.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
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her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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