Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You ruined the universe
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
