listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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