i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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