He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
