Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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