She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
we're so committed to being not committed
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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