I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
