Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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