Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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