I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
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Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
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I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire